Fan Jinghua: Standing in the Car Park at 2 am

　　　 Standing in the Car Park at 2 am.

Yesterday night at two o’clock I went downstairs to take a walk
In the parking lot under yellowish light, where cars crouched like tired animals.
That reminded me of a late return from a concert some years ago,
With my lover friend, and we stood by the car, talking about
How one interpretation about a piece of absolute music could be popularized
And something absolute was named, so that a title
Could finally violate the body, its texture and unique contours.
She’s faded out almost entirely from my life, with occasional emails
Saying hi, with the same old intimate salutation.
I could only imagine the craziness we created and shared.
Actually, I’ve inclined to believe she has been an illusion from my younger years,
Or a fantasy which has evolved into a memory in the present emotion-draining life of mine,
Just like the scene from Larkin’s high window, a perspective
Which I did often take with some unspeakable grudge, while thinking of
A girl, proud, prude and pretty, whom I wooed and failed, for she had fallen
For a man more handsome and mature with what she said “a stronger sense of security.”
That was something at once striking me dumbfounded.
Now I feel even worse, learning that the man has become richer and richer
And she keeps the house intact as long as he sticks to the family and does not
Make her see his women or carry home unspeakable diseases.
I do have her number in my mobile phone, saved as an alternative number of a colleague,
And if it had not been so late, I might have called her, although
I absolutely had no idea what to say except for perhaps
“Oh, sorry! After the second ring I’ve realized it is not a good time and this is not polite,
But you can just say ‘Wrong number!’ and hang up.”
If it had not been so late, how could I have the impulse to call?
I stood by the car-park exit which was a covered bridge over the drainage ditch,
And for a while I saw the water was washing back. So the sea was rising.
That was something given up to time but still time had no control.
When a crazy car raced by the road with loud rock-n-roll, I looked up and found
The waning moon hanging low over the contour of treetops to the west.
So many had been written about the moon in different phases that no more word
About it would not seem hackneyed. I turned my head and turned my thought.
It was for quite a while before I saw the stars that I had expected to see,
And the more I stared into the navy darkness, the more stars greeted my eyes.
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Nov. 28, 2009


　　　　深夜两点站在停车场

昨夜两点，我下楼走走；停车场上，灯光有点偏黄，
车子趴着，犹如疲倦慵懒的动物。
我想起数年前的某个月夜，我和情人朋友
从一场音乐会归来，站在车旁谈绝对音乐如何被某个人解读，
进而被普及，阐释变成了界定，绝对被命名，
终而，标题强暴了原作、它的肌理与它的独特。
如今，她已几乎从我的生活中隐去，除了偶尔
发一封电邮，打个招呼而已，还是用那么亲密的称呼。
我只能想象那曾有的狂热，我们为自己创造，分享。
事实上，我如今已倾向于相信她一直是我更年少时的幻觉，
或者一个幻想，进化成记忆，支撑我情感日渐枯竭的生活，
正如拉金从高窗上所见的景象。那是一个视角，
我也时常取那样的角度，带着难以明言的嫉恨，
想到一个女孩，美丽、骄傲，还正经，我追求很久而不得，
因为她更喜欢一个更成熟英俊的，那男人具有她所说的
“更强的安全感”。那句话一出口，我就被堵得哑口无言。
而今想起她，我感觉更加糟糕，知道她的老公越来越有钱，
而她越来越懂得将家守得紧紧，
只要他不离不弃，别令她撞见那些女人，也别带回说不出口的脏病。
我的手机里有她的电话，保存为我一个同事的备用号码；
要不是太晚了，我可能就按一下键拨通，可我实在不知道会说什么，
也许就是“哦，对不起，响了第二声我就意识到
我打得不是时候而且还很不礼貌；你可以说‘打错了’然后挂掉”。
要不是这么晚的夜里，我又怎么会有与她说话的冲动？
停车场的出口处是一座有盖的桥，建在排水沟上，犹如廊桥，
我站在桥头，看到水在回流。那是海在涨潮。
大海将自己交付给时间，而时间却无力制约海水。
一辆车神经病似地在外面的路上飞驰而过，留下一段摇滚乐的吼叫，
我抬头发现亏损的月亮悬在西边树梢轮廓线的上方。
无论月亮处于什么项位，都已被写得太多，再难有什么字句
会显得不是陈词滥调。于是，我转头，也就转了念头。
过了好一阵子，我的眼睛才看到我意料中的星星，
盯着那深海蓝色的夜空越久，看到的星星就越多。
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　2009年11月28日