Hermann Hesse: Without You

Hermann Hesse: Without You

To continue with the last posting about the representation of pain, I am reminded of this poem by Hermann Hesse.
　　
Listening to Elgar, I think of a poem by Hermann Hesse. The poem “Without You” reads like this:

　　Without You
　　　　　　Hermann Hesse

My pillow gazes upon me at night
Empty as a gravestone;
I never thought it would be so bitter
To be alone,
Not to lie down asleep in your hair.

I lie alone in a silent house,
The hanging lamp darkened,
And gently stretch out my hands
To gather in yours,
And softly press my warm mouth
Toward you, and kiss myself, exhausted and weak-
Then suddenly I'm awake
And all around me the cold night grows still.
The star in the window shines clearly-
Where is your blond hair,
Where your sweet mouth?

Now I drink pain in every delight
And poison in every wine;
I never knew it would be so bitter
To be alone,
Alone, without you.

The crucial variation of the poem lies between “I never thought” in the first stanza and “I never knew” in the last stanza. In the beginning, the poet said that he knew of the bitterness, but he did not think of the “degree.” During the process, he learned or experienced the bitterness, and finally acknowledged the devastating degree of the bitterness; therefore, he said “I never knew.”

"Now I drink pain in every delihgt" is exactly what I was driving at when I talked about the re-investment of all the tiny moments of pleasure in the in-between years (between the experience and the representation).

　　没有你
　　　　赫尔曼-黑塞

夜晚　我的枕头盯着我
墓碑一样空洞
我从未想到过独自一人
未能躺在你的长发间睡去
竟会如此之苦

我孤身躺在一栋沉寂的房子里
吊灯黑了
我轻缓地伸出双手
想牵到你的手
我将温热的嘴轻柔地
压向你，可我吻的是自我，力竭到疲软——
然后突然醒来
周身的一切唯有寒夜的宁静在生长
窗框里的星明亮得清晰——
哪儿是你的金发
哪儿是你的蜜唇

如今我在每一刻欢愉中啜饮痛苦
每一滴醇酒中啜饮毒药
我从未体识过独自一人
独自一人没有你
竟会如此之苦

　　这首诗中的最关键变奏就在于第一节中的“我从未想到过”变成了最后一节中的“我从未体识过”。开始的时候，诗人似乎说自己多少还是知道那是很痛苦的，然而却不知道其程度如何；而经过了这首诗中的经历和体验，到了最后他才真正knew知道了那痛苦的程度。“我在每一刻欢愉中啜饮痛苦"便是我前面所说的，对于痛苦的再现，实际上是将痛苦经历之后的每一点欢愉都重新投入了。因此，经过这样的投入，人便了无生趣。