A restless night, with intervals of half sobriety. In the dreams, I was back to the past, to several women. On a small street, she descended from the top of a slope, bumping into me. She had the same walking and apparel: a white bag hanging on one shoulder, a green woolen overcoat. Catching sight of me, she startled to a stop, slanted her eyes, and lowered her head, shying by.
I, half-awake, groped to the left while turning to the right. No one on the bed, empty except for me. There was a sadness in her eyes, but perhaps only my imagination.
Twisting to find a comfortable position to resume my sleep.
I found myself in a town I had never been before. It is her home. All her family members, none of whom I had met, were there, including her long-dead parents. I had a vague idea that maybe that was a partial dream, and her father was blind, but her mother, although probably there, was not seen. The family was at a poker game, around a round table; all the furniture was Chinese Ming-style. I did not know the rules, so I was walking around the rooms among the hanging curtains. Suddenly, we held together tight between the curtains, kissed wet, and thighs stuck close. Her sisters came by, seemingly intentional, and smiled ‘sorry.’
Woken by the rain. It must be cats and dogs outside.
I was back to her high room in the apartment house. In the distance, there was a tower beyond a stretch of lawn and a small lake. I was aware that there had been a traffic accident behind the trees that covered the road down there. It took place only days ago, but I was not sure how many days ago. She was sleeping then. There must have been some screeches, as if even I could hear. I realized that she had told me already.
Walking the road toward the farmer’s market, we were met by Alyce. Alyce was talking to her, while I stood a little aside. Alyce glimpsed me while talking, smilingly. She told me later that Alyce said to her: This is a gorgeous man. She replied: A keeper.
When I woke up again, it was now; but I fell back to sleep with the rain sound.
At my parents’. I saw several beautiful waterfowls in the vat, like Chinese lovebirds, but they dived. I asked my mother whether they were mandarin ducks, and mom said they were some kind of fish. On the wall of the vat, there were some creatures with shells, conch-like. Their bodies sprawled out, with colorful glitters, and a pair of beautiful human eyes, shiny and watery, dwells under the antennae. I gazed into them, and they gazed back. I forgot when these shell creatures turned away, a little detached. Then, I turned to Mom: I’d better be off now. Mom knew that my wife and kid were in her parents’ and I went back alone. Mom said: Eat before you go. She had prepared food for my dad, enough for me too. I said the bus would be there anytime. It seemed I did not eat. From what my mom said, I sensed that my wife was my first love.
Then, I was on the gravel road in front of my former middle school, and it was drizzling. Standing on the road, looking to the north, I found the same sight of the school where I spent about four years of my adolescence, during which I had secretly revealed to one or two best friends my love toward some girls. Those unpronounced loves, those transient loves; now they existed only in memory. However, many happenings later seemed to be the realizations of those dreams. Of course, the school has totally changed, and my former classmates are now the teachers. Memory clashes with reality.
My wife was looking for something in a pile of something. I could not make out exactly what were in the heap. Books, old clothes, music cassettes, or CDs? Anyway, I said to her: “Don’t bother searching there. What you are looking for are for our son, but we are not married yet.” She did not seem to understand that we had not started a family yet. She did not understand that we were at present living in the past.
I woke up.
My Mom is hoeing (June 6, 2005)梦
一夜没睡好，醒来多次。梦见回到了过去，见到几个女人。在某条小街上，她从坡上下来，我迎面而上。她还是背着那个白色的挎包，绿色的粗呢罩衣，怔了一下，她躲闪了眼睛，低头从我身边走了。醒来，右侧身，左手放到床头，没有人没有影子，空的。她的眼神似乎忧郁，也许我的想象而已。
翻身找到一个姿势，继续睡了。
到了那个小镇，她的家。我从未见过的她的家人都在，有她早已死去的父母。梦中，她父亲是一个盲人，她母亲也应该在，但我似乎没有见到。一家人为着一个小圆桌子在打扑克，桌椅都是中式的，很古朴。我不知道规则，所以在挂满帘子的房间走动。和她在帘子中间抱在一起，接吻，胯腿贴得很紧；她的姐妹有时走过来，似乎是故意的，笑着说对不起。
在雨声中醒来，外面应该是瓢泼一样吧。
朦胧中又见到窗外一片绿草地，水塔，小湖。想着那楼下的树丛背后放佛有一场交通事故发生在昨夜，在她睡着的时候。我意识到，这都是因为她告诉我的。走在那个通往农贸集市的路上，Alyce走过，和她说话时满脸笑意的看着我，她后来告诉我说Alyce对她说This is a gorgeous man；她说：A keeper。
我醒来的时候却已经是现在了，醒了又朦胧睡去。
回到父母身边，看到一口大水缸里有几只非常美丽的水鸟，和鸳鸯很像，但沉在水下，我问妈这是鸳鸯吗？妈说，不是，是一种鱼。缸底还有几只大螺丝一样的东西，身体伸出壳子，放着五彩的光，触角下有一对乌黑发亮的水灵的美丽眼睛，人的。我凝视着，它们也对着我看。出神很久，然后那些螺丝扭头缓缓地走了，带着漠不关己或者无聊的神态。然后我说：妈，我该走了。妻子和孩子在她父母家，我独自一人抽空回来一下。妈说，吃一点东西吧，给爸爸做的，顺便吃一点再走。我说，班车该到了。似乎并没有吃。从妈的话中感觉到我的妻子还是当初的那个人。
路过县城中学母校门前的石子路，正下着小雨。站在路口，向北望去，还是当年的景象。这儿见证了我青春期中的四年左右时光，曾经和一两个同学私下分享朦胧的爱，从未表白，也从未持续多久。那些短暂的爱恋对象如今只存在于记忆。然而，很多后来的事情似乎在那样的时候就已经见到了。当然，当年的样子早已经不在了，当年的同窗如今是那儿的老师。记忆与现实彼此冲撞。
梦见妻子在一堆东西中找着什么。那堆东西是什么？书、旧衣服，还有什么？旧磁带和CD？我对妻子说：别找了，你要找的东西是儿子用的，但我们现在还没有结婚呢。她似乎不知道我们还没有成家，她似乎不知道我们此刻正活在过去。
醒了。
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