Fan Jinghua: The Changing Flame

The Changing Flame

　　　　

I

I came from the past, from the last dynasty

And my terminal was pre-designated

The terminal you went to was for mid-way passengers

Can one enter the present twice and how?

II

In a small restaurant

We talk over a big bowl of the local food

How we used to cook in our dormitories

The green pea leaves on white noodles in clear soup

Are still before my eyes, nose and mouth

III

Your bones dance with songs in the streets

And your breasts bouncy and butts full

Among the crowds of our people

We talk in a foreign tongue

IV

We lie in the non-air-conditioned hotel room

The door left ajar to let in the draught

With the noise in the corridor

You pillow on my chest

Still taking the deep touch a taboo

V

In the bay of my arm

You are a blue flame

In the ferryboat half screened by the pale purple reeds

On the wavering water of Xunyangjiang River

VI

Words talk us on and off, words take on us aimlessly

And by and by we know we remember more than we know

You remember the cloisonne bracelets

I bought while you were in my bunk bed taking a nap

I remember something else

VII

You ask me as you never did before

I say that is because everyone's beauty changes but love may not

Oh, after so many years

Your beauty still makes my heart ache

VIII

For three days

I have not seen a single beautiful

Girl or woman in this ancient city of great civilization

That is for real

What a pity

IX

Twenty years ago I was too unprepared to be mature

Later, I know that our love could not be more than love

With that love, I grow into what I am

X

We name the songs we used to listen

Now they are labeled as the oldies

Some become weepies

Like Knowing You Knowing Me

XI

This song of the ghost you have never heard before

I now play for you

The folk belief is a spirit comes to visit you

When anything is passing from your life

Her lamentation comes audible only when you remember the past with your heart

XII

Years later you tell me for the first time

About our first time

You say I had been there for a few days after that

But I keep silent as I had wanted longer and more

XIII

In love, we feel the realness even God lacks

But I have never dared to speak out my gratitude to our flesh

XIV

Then you distance yourself

Your smile allows a wet kiss for my eyes only

XV

When I want you to stay yet a little longer

I become the boy again

Whom you loved and left

XVI

Strawberries are wet, red and fresh on the tea-tray

We eat one by one as if to count time

Neither by minutes nor by hours

Time passes in our way

Strawberries are gone and the words flown out of our mouths are also gone

XVII

The many years afterwards bring me a more fermented want and a juicier need

But it is a shame

My control becomes more tenacious than my love desire

XVIII

We let cabs and buses carry us afloat along the flow

Before I turn back to the impatient cab

I watch your back disappearing into the terminal of the dark

A blind gut of tonight

In your city, a labyrinth to me

XIX

One way fork into two

And then there is an expectation of two ways to cross

As the way of everything

No two ways converge again and call them two ways

XX

We could have met again afterwards

But other commitments have engaged you

And I am just a transit passenger

　　　　　　　　May 13-22, 2012

　　　变幻之焰

一

我来自过去，上一个朝代

我的终点已预先指定

你去了中途旅客的终点迎接我

一个人如何走进两个现在？

二

隔着各自的一大碗土菜

说我们在彼此的宿舍曾经做饭

清汤中白色面条上那油绿的豌豆苗

仍在我的眼前、我的嘴边、我的舌尖

三

你的骨头街头流行的节奏而舞动

慢一步我看到你双臀淳厚，快一步我看到你胸前欢欣

人群中，我们说着外语

四

躺在没有空调的宾馆大床上

房门半敞，穿堂风带进走廊上往来的人声

你枕着我的胸膛

深度抚爱仍然是个禁忌

五

我的臂弯中

你是一支蓝色的火焰

淡紫的荻花遮掩着渡船

浔阳江水轻轻荡漾

六

话儿断断续续地说着我们

言语没有目的地载着我们

我们逐渐明白我们记得的比我们明白的更多

你记得我趁你午睡买回几只景泰蓝手镯

而我记着别的

七

你问了我你从未问过的问题

我说那是因为每个人的漂亮都会变而爱情可能不会

啊，这么多年过后

你的美依然令我心痛

八

整整三天

我在这座悠久文明的伟大古城没见到一个美女

真的没有

多么遗憾啊

九

二十年前我还来不及成熟

后来，我明白我们的爱情不可能超出爱情

带着那份爱，我成长至今

十

我们例举着曾经常听的歌

如今它们被归为怀旧歌曲

有些变成了感伤曲

犹如知你知我

十一

这首魂灵之歌你不曾听过

我此刻为你播放

传说当任何人事将从你的生活中消失

就会有一个精灵来探访你

只有你的心记得那已经过去的

你才会听见她的哀歌

十二

多年后你首次说到我们的初次

你说事后三四天你还能感到我还在那儿

我沉默以对

因为我渴望的是更长更多

十三

相爱令我们感觉到上帝所没有的实在

可我甚至从不敢说出我对肉身的感恩

十四

然后你退缩

你以微笑与我的眼睛深吻

十五

当我要你再多留一会儿

我再次成为那个男孩

那个你曾喜爱而离开的男孩

十六

茶托上草莓潮湿而鲜艳

我们一只一只捡起

犹如计时

不按分钟不按小时

时间以我们的方式消逝

草莓不见了，我们吐出的话籽儿也不见了

十七

其后的岁月令我我的欲望更加多汁而醇厚

这真是可羞的事

我的自制力比我的爱欲更加坚韧

十八

我们让巴士和出租车载着我们流淌

在我转向那焦躁的出租车前

看你的背影隐没于今夜的终点

一截盲肠

在你的城，我的迷宫

十九

一条路分岔为二

然后就有了再次相交的可能与期待

也正如万事之道

没有两条路可以再次重合而称之为两条

二十

我们本可以再次想见

但你有另外的事

而我只是一个中转旅客

　　　　　　2012年5月25-26日