Fan Jinghua: Unspeakable

　　　Unspeakable


So, about sadness and raptures,
What could be said?
Many, with only a little remains, upon waking,
Dun me to return a clearer vision, your body, dots and lines,
The planarity and the tangibility, of my excitement and my itch to enter,
And I find myself on a deserted beach,
Emptiness wrapped me with its insidious smile,
And its gluey dampness is hypocritical.
The only solidity is sadness, and it presents itself as an absence.
Lust for retrieving the lost makes one cheap,
And every time I shake my head to rid of the thought of you
I reprimand myself: Cry after a shade! So cheap!
Truth is really nothing but a dream,
So I alter the time and places about our meetings
Beijing, Nanjing, Xi’an, Wuhan, Chengdu, Lhasa,
I alter myself into a fictional character.
Once in Chicago, when we are walking, you suddenly turn into an art gallery,
And a shower of hooves drums on my heart;
Another time, in an unknown town in Czech where I have never been,
I see you and star at you, while you stare back, coldly, not recognizing me.
You are in blue cardigan, with a white wide-brimmed hat.
That time in Kyoto, the cherry-admiring season,
You follow close to a supercilious man in quick steps,
Turning to give me a hurried bow and a sincere moushiwake arimasen,
And the petals shower down from your shoulder into your obi.
"So she appears, before I know who she is,
And I will never know who she is."
Perhaps, I am still your stranger.
Every time I say this, I say this is the last time,
And you see I am saying this again
After I have said it again.
To say this is the last time is really cheap.
　　　　　　　　　　　May 2, 2009


　　心思难与君说

那么，有关伤心和牵魂
我又能说什么
很多，只有一点点残存，醒来
以为很清晰地见到了你，全身，点与线，还有平面和触感
兴奋得集中于勃起和钻入，而空落落的四周
甚至空气也那么阴暗地笑着
在被人荒弃的沙滩上，湿湿的凉意，很虚假
惟有伤心令自己真实，而真实不过是感到了缺失
不舍令人很卑贱，我每次从沉入的思念中醒来
都会暗骂自己：Cry after a shade! So cheap! (在一个影子后哭着喊着。真贱!)
真实，真的是梦
我将地点和人物都置换
我成为一个虚幻的角色，你，在北京、西安、武汉、南京、成都、拉萨
还有一次在芝加哥，就在马路对面，转入一家画廊，我心底突然如一阵马蹄
另一次在捷克的一个小镇，我没去过，但我看到了你
我久久盯着，你回盯着我，眼神冷漠而陌生
身穿蓝色羊绒开衫，头戴白色宽边布帽
那一次在京都，樱花时节，你亦步亦趋地跟着一个横眉竖眼的男人
匆匆转身，给了我一个慌张的鞠躬和真诚的道歉
花瓣雨落在你的肩头滑向你的腰封
“她就这么出场了，在我还不知道她是谁之前
而且，我将一直不知道她是谁”
也许，依然如此吧
每一次都是最后一次，你看，我总在说了之后
觉得应该是最后一次
这真的很贱
　　　　　　　2009年5月2日