Fan Jinghua: The Door of Fear

　　　The Door of Fear

For thirty years, the empty door frames my mind,
my whole-hearted expectation and aversion,
And I breathe the putrid air in the threshold, surviving on the vision
of a white shaft of solid light.
A glimpse setting on my sight hard
or a vision blooming in my closed eyes
can easily take me down, leaving the tiny rivet of my will paralyzed
on the hinge in the window-frame.

The door frames emptiness, and my fear fills it;
Sometimes I peep into a mirror,
only to find real white light there to rub my fear.
Then, countless mushrooms fall from the sky
like paratrooper-bodybombs,
as the dying day is folded back upon the impending night,
one sheet of negative upon another;
black-and-white images of stars, clouds, the moon, the sun and trees
superimpose each other and are slit by a black fork of lightning.

You have known long ago
what I need is the unexpected, so I can
appease myself with the most unattainable facts,
such as a smiling silhouette stuck in the door;
even if it is a vampire or a resurrected green-eyed ghost,
I will embrace it into my bare arms and breast
like a reincarnation of my daemon lover.
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　March 8, 2009

　　　恐惧之门

三十年来，那敞开的空门
框着我的情不自禁，排斥与痴心，
而我，呼吸着门槛内的腐浊，因为
预见到一柱宽厚的白光而暗自生长。
时时突袭我视觉的一瞥或黑暗中绽放的幻象
能够很轻易地将我拿下，我意志的小铆钉
瘫痪在窗户的铰链上。

那扇门框住了一方空无，而我的恐惧将它充满；
有时，我偷窥一面镜子，
竟发现那里有真正的白色之光，
镜子撺弄它，摩擦我的恐惧。
于是，无数的蘑菇从天而降，
犹如人肉炸弹的伞兵，
正在消逝的白昼被折叠在逼近的黑夜上，
如两张底片，月日星云与树木的黑白影像
相互覆盖，被闪电的黑叉子撕开。

你早知我需要的是意外，
惟有如此我才能
抚慰自己，以最不可能的事实；
例如，一个堵在门口的笑面剪影；
即便那是一只吸血鬼或者贪婪的绿眼鬼，
我也会赤膊拥抱
犹如那是我冤死的梦中情人附身于一个陌生人。
　　　　　　　　　　2009年3月8日