Fan Jinghua: Soliloquizing for Her

　　Soliloquizing for Her

In case you ask how long there has been or will be between us,
I’d forestall you with an answer, as I,
An inchworm and otaku of imagination, have never hoped to measure time.
Many, if counted by year or season,
When flowers have bloomed full and returned to buds burgeoning again,
And leaves have fallen and grown back to the twigs,
While their varying smells keep refreshing my want of you.
More, if by month, for the slow changes
In temperature of the air and shape of things, which would pass
Mostly unnoticed before you dwell like a rowan tree in the field of my vision,
Since I did not need to tell
By association with anything that makes sense to you.
My digits are not enough to count the weeks, when time is partitioned
By working days and the day-offs, out of the latter
Of which may be extracted a few hours out of routine for us,
Alone. You and me (and a little art in this),
And the moments registered by pulsations of and in body
And impulsiveness out of habit, conditioned responses of eros,
As if we alternately feed a piece of wood to the fire when we are
Lying there, face to face, half-chatting, half-sleeping, with the fire in-between;
And there and then we turn and twist, tucking in and loosening our blankets,
To find the most comfortable position between warmth and burn.
By now, nothing can be counted.
One moment may stand for eternity, if eternity means
Boundlessness or infinity, for moments are never measured by how long they last.
A moment is often out of time
But cannot be lengthened along the current of the everyday
To provide us another life.
We live the life of ours as lived by others, and we selfishly live in moments,
For numerous times, and yet we have only one life to love.
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　March 9, 2009


　　为她自语

以一个回答预阻你可能的追问，我，一只尺蠖，
一个醉心于想象的御宅男，从没指望丈量时间，
你还是别问我们之间已有多久，还会有多长。
按年或季节来算，我们已拥有很多，
花儿已经多次盛开再化作鼓胀的蓓蕾，
而叶子落了好多回，也都又回到枝头生长，
它们的味道浓淡反复，却一直激发我对你的欲念不减不灭、持续新鲜。
假若按月计算，我们经过的时间更多，
气温与植物以及事态的缓慢转变，在过去往往毫不经意地错过，
而自从你进入我灵魂的视野，如一株花楸树，
我需要诉说，需要联想它们在你世界中的意义，
于是时间有了不可见的刻度。
按周计算，我将难以用手指计算；
时间被工作日与周末或公休日隔成一个个单间，
我们或许能从休息日的俗务中抽取几个小时，
独处。你和我（还要加上一点技巧）以及诸多时刻。
这样的时刻被体内的潮汐充涨，记录于身体，爱欲的无条件反射，一次次
惯性冲动，犹如我们卧躺在壁炉前，脸对着脸，
半睡中断断续续地聊天，轮流给壁炉添一根木柴，
感觉到彼此都不时地扭动身体，用毯子塞紧、放松
最舒服的卧姿，寻找温暖与炙灼之间的平衡。
至此，已没什么好算的了。
如果说永恒意味着没有边际或界限，那么每个时刻
都能代表永恒；时刻，只是次数，犹如人生，不可以时间长短来衡量。
时刻常会跳出时间，可它却不能被拉长，
无法与日常平行，而为人们提供另一种生活。
我们活着被他人占据的我们，而我们私自活在很多时刻，无数次，
但我们只有一生可以爱。
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　2009年3月9日