Fan Jinghua: Depression

　　　Depression
What cannot be seen, no one will touch, and imagination is more ethereal
Than a mirror. When you retire to your small study, the world
Lies so distant, like the heaving mood of the true southern Pacific night
You look into when listening to the equatorial downpour.
He says, I believe you will benefit from the pills but of course
This is up to you. The one after visiting your depth claims that your depression
Has deterred your progress and decision-making.
Do you take her recommendation?
You say, yes, almost, except her point about decision-making (Actually,
This is one act in your plot, and I have another definition of progress).
Oh, black words on white paper! I believe in the power of words
More than that of my thinking… Yes,
I like the color black, for a short man needs a black round-neck T-shirt
To bring out a pace that looks restrainedly proud.

Persistence, like solitude, sometimes looks sexier than geniality,
But they should appear to be of the same magnanimity.
On the next annual conference, I will use colorless sweet lipstick.
I understand that if you are too cleanly, you’d better cover it.
You can trim your pubic hair (Shhh, don’t tell), but never apply wax to your head.
Do not return digital words with the quivering of your vocal cord,
And if a song takes you down at night, do not send it to another.
Whoever puts death into a melody
Becomes stones in the pockets of a drowning suicide.
Do not wake up the one on the bed, no matter whether…!
He looks at your eyes and says, this pill is not a pacifier, it really
Helps you feel good and it is not addictive.
But you know that requires you to erase many old pictures and smile everyday
At your own reflection in the mirror, for several minutes.
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Nov. 26, 2008

　　　　忧郁症疗法
看不见的，就没有人抚摸，想象
比镜子还要空幻。你退守进了小书房，
世界远得如赤道的雨季，
心情涌动，是真正的南太平洋之夜。
他说，相信药丸对你有益，但当然这个决定
还是要看你自己；你看看这个从你最深处出来的人说的话——
她说你的忧郁伤害了你的进步
与决断能力。你是否决定服用她的建议？
你说，除了有关决断的结论，她的话
我都愿意承认（嘿嘿，这是我计谋的一招，再说，
我对进步另有定义）。啊，白纸黑字！
我相信文字的力量甚于相信我自己的思考……是的，我喜欢黑色，
个头不高的人需要黑色的
无领T恤才能带出他步态中内敛的骄傲。

坚毅，犹如孤独，往往比和蔼
更性感，但是两者都应该显示为宽厚。
嗯，下一次聚会，我将涂无色的甜味唇膏，
并且赞美房子的新，闭口不提是否有钢筋。
我明白，若你有洁癖，一定要隐藏：阴毛
可以修剪（嘘，别说，别说！）但头发不要抹油；
别拿声带的颤动去回报光电符号，刺痛自己的歌
不可传给黑夜里的另一个听者。谁将死亡
填进了旋律，谁就是自沉时的石头。
别惊动床上的人，无论……！
这药丸并非为了抚慰，它真的会令你感觉良好，而且
不会上瘾。——他说得如此真诚，
可你知道，那需要你抹除不少旧照片，还要
天天要对着镜子保持几分钟微笑。
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　2008年11月27日