Fan Jinghua: Tonight I Want to Want No Want

　　Tonight I Want to Want No Want

　　　　　　　… love, as an act, lacks a verb (Joseph Brodsky)

Tonight, Shulamite, there is something swirling in the air
Worming in my body down and up and down like a greater cycle of energy
Whirling in my heart more than just a startled butterfly or a demure deer…
Can you feel can you smile can you dream can you hear?
Something crawling along a slope of the silk band like a flash of light,
Something that stretches and reaches to connect
Like a kite flying into the sky and a paper boat sailing on the river,
And this may be me, longing to hold you with you in and out of my limbs….
Tonight, my mind takes forms in its own eyes, of circles and ovals and elliptical arches.
Tonight, Shulamite, my soul, my heart, my will and mind have
Become a symbiosis of a thousand arms
That brushes, strokes, grazes and sluices all over you,
All over your forms and curves, your topography that is
Soft or firm, velvety or hairy, buoyant or composed,
From earlobe to nape down to the collarbone and back, resuming
In your bosom and between the breasts, canopying, coupling and weighing…
Ten thousand tactile fingers and their intangible touches
Stir up the nerve ends of the myriad things and sweep away
All the impediments to make you try to understand and attain,
And in the still flow of the air tonight, Shulamite,
You are a song that becomes, that is, that sings no words or tune,
You are not a song that lies down like a nude or a zither,
You are not to be heard through words or sound.
Tonight, Shulamite, you become you only in the way you are loved by me,
And tonight I am you. I am the pain you are suffering, Shulamite.
If there is a form, in form I am in you, in you I am formed.
A form so concrete that it will become abstract, known only by you and me.
If there is knowing, in you I know, when I am known in you
By you and by myself. A knowledge that only words can contain.
Tonight, Shulamite, if there is want, I have a want to want no want.
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Dec. 2007
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　March 1-3, 2008

The following Chinese version is much different from the English version.
The Chinese version was written after the English version one week later.


　　今夜，我只有语言之艳不再有物体之欲
今夜，书拉密，我心尖的肉，空气中一股暗流在悬荡弥漫
从我身体的低沉处如炊烟之袅袅而又沉降，在我的肉身中运行着大周天
魔瓶中的精灵再次钻入瓶心，在那独自生长的景致中如惊起的蝴蝶与安详的麋鹿
这是三月的南方……远方的你
能否感到风的移动、如风一般微笑、梦如缓流穿过你、而声音如风过耳？
宇宙之寥廓在一面彩色丝带的斜坡上如一道亮光的滚动
河水从夕阳中流过来，像一只蜡纸的龙风筝摆动着尾巴进入明朝的画卷
今夜，我拥着你，我没有手臂没有肩膀没有胸膛，你没有身体没有曲线与圆浑……
我的心思是彼此交叉的形状映衬着漆黑的背景
无数的圆圈彼此黏结，拉成了椭圆与各种果实的外形与香气，我的心思
在它自己的眼界变幻飘飞，如皂泡浮在桃花绽放的三月
今夜，我的书拉密，我没有出窍的灵、我没有失落的魂魄、我柔中带刚的意志与信念
你是渗入我久坐而麻木的肉体中的神经，你是我无法感受到的肌腱
我生出一千只手按照各自的大调小调如珠玉滚落在你的身上，摩挲、抚摸、揉碾
如牛舌捋过青草戴花的发梢、如靶子划过解冻的春土、如水流冲倒小河闸两侧的香附子
今夜，我的爱欲沿着所有自然的生态，紧贴、萦绕、穿透而不纠缠
以空空的把握溜过你身体的所有地貌
无论柔软还是坚挺、无论光洁如象牙还是茸毛如丝绒
无论轻佻如马驹临风还是静娴如母牛向晚
从你的耳垂到颈背、沿途而下转入你的锁骨、折返，继续
在你胸怀的山隘、峡谷与山颠之上如雁阵的投影秋去春回
如是，冬季的冷硬在遥远的紧张中期待着炎夏的烈日带着荫翳袭来
一万只能够感触的指头带着一万只无法感触的抚摸
将你兜底捞起，犹如从淤泥中拔出一株莲藕
忽然的阳光照在水珠滚滑的凝脂上，藕节的交接处淋淋漓漓
所有的岁月失去了比例，一如所有的感官没有秩序
周身的世界中万物的神经末梢被唤起，粘连其上的五色屏障被清扫
你平躺如水的静止流淌，忘记何谓理解、何谓抵达
在今夜的时间暗流中转入一个漩涡，如晕厥
书拉密，你是一首正在形成的骊歌，没有词没有旋律，没有我
你只是拥有一个旋转、你只是那个旋转
你我都不能听见亦不能被倾听，不能说出亦不能被表达
今夜，你在远方，我在远方的远方，然而我们相遇、交合在词语中
如一只太极球内部那水乳交融从不停歇的变幻，阴阳两极、四季性情彼此渗透
我在你的形状中成形，你的形状因我而存在，具体得如此抽象，惟有你我能够体识
我在你的体识中知识，你的体识因我的知识而存在，惟有语言能够蕴含
今夜，如果世间还有欲求，我将欲求不再有欲求，只要语言的艳欲浓缩于你的名字
将我占有，书拉密！将我包裹、将我充满、令我窒息到惟见你的一线之光！
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　2008年3月10日