Fan Jinghua: Situs Amor

　　Situs Amor, Or Narration and Event

So I thought I knew
it was not a memory, not some déjà vu.
That you were standing there on the phone
was only a sight,
but I knew there were more becauses.
If you were on the phone, you were
there but not at that moment,
not when I was gazing at you and saw beyond.

Maybe you were a name, a silhouette
shawled in semidarkness of a green hue,
whereas I had occupied a volume of air
with my shape. My shape, when I left, would be
filled up with air, immediately,
or, with another body after some time, partly.

No body could fully replace my body
because the way I sat in the sofa was defined,
among others, by you
at that moment.
Definitely in the infinite time and space,
I will leave behind whatever I have taken up,
as if I were reverting it to Time and Space
even though they do not claim
as they can self-supply and self-cure.

I would take that as a mere site, specific to me only,
if you did not turn back and see me watching you.
The site would not be as specific as it would have become,
if I could not make you realize that it was I
whom you were looking at,
or if I could not engage you into a mutual recognition with me.
You had been a standing figure who was
unaware of being observed by me who was sitting half across the hall,
but when our eyes met, you became related
with all that had come and gone.

Now, as I am narrating this scene,
in retrospect,
I am undoubtedly composing something like a love affair;
and I will be happy with whatever reprobation
against my distortion of what the original site really was,
because, as a poet, I need to create an event to sing my song.
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Feb. 1, 2004

　　　爱情现场或叙述与事件

所以我以为我知道
那不是一件记忆，不是似曾相识。
你，站在那儿，打电话，
那就是一个视觉之境，
只是我已知道有更多的因为。
如果你在打电话，你就是
身在此处而心不在焉；当我看着你，
看到了你的远处，你那时已离开了那个时刻。

你本来只是一个名字，一个侧影，
墨绿色调的披肩，
而我只是在你不远处
以我的身形占据一份空气。一旦我离开，
我的形状将会立即被空气重新占有，
或者，不久之后，被另一个身体部分占据。

没有谁能够完全置换我的身体。
因为我坐在沙发上的姿态
被许多因素规定，其中的关键是
那个时刻的你。
在那无法预测的时空中，可以肯定的是
我占据的一切都会被我放弃，
犹如我将它交还给时空。
当然，时空不会索取我们身体占据的部分，
因为它可以自生自养。

我当然应该将那时刻仅仅视为一个场点，唯有我
见识到了。可是你却转过头来，看到
我正在看你。
如果我未能令你意识到你所看到的正是我，
如果我没有令你与我站定成一种彼此的关系，
那么整个场点就不会像后来这样具体。
你本是一个站立的人影，不知道
正在被坐在半个大厅之外的我默默观察，
但是当我们四目相遇，你变得
与一切过去的以及一切将来的发生了关联。

此刻，当我叙述那个场景，
作为回顾，
我无疑已经渲染了一些因素，使得那场面犹如艳遇。
对于任何责备，我都能欣然接受，
尽管说我歪曲了原始场景的真实，
因为，作为诗人，我写诗，便需要创造事件。
　　　　　　　　2008年9月19日改写2004年2月1日英文